Unwanted change can be anything we did not choose, plan, or control; our emotional response is to view it as a threat. Denial is a necessary buffer that helps us survive trauma, or shock, and should be a temporary state. But there are times when it does not serve us well at all.
The focus of this article is when we use denial to avoid facing a painful truth, often harming ourselves or others in the process. When denial becomes a pattern of coping, it does not serve you well, and may leave you exposed and unprepared. Change occurs despite your ability to accept it, and the energy spent masking truth may be better channeled to helping you deal with the circumstances you are facing.
Some people mistake acceptance for quitting, or giving up hope. Accepting that your marriage is in trouble does mean you should not try your best to resolve the issues through counseling, etc. If you recognize and accept that there are issues, you may seek help with your marriage sooner, and thus increase the opportunity to have a healthy marriage. Delays due to failure to accept issues can actually increase the likelihood of the outcome you seek to avoid, in this case a divorce. Accepting a medical diagnosis is not declining treatment; in fact, we know that facing a diagnosis, without delay, can literally be life-saving for some conditions.
Acceptance is about seeing things as they are, not as we wish they were or hope they will become. Are you willing to see things clearly in order to begin the process of acceptance? Ironically, sometimes the very act of recognizing a problem opens the way for you to create a different outcome! Your energy can be re-directed towards creating a solution, plan, or an alternative to the one you most fear.
Fear fuels denial; trust allows acceptance. When you trust that you can (and will) handle circumstances you fear, you can more easily embrace even those things you cannot alter. Acceptance allows you to take some form of action, and action is in itself therapeutic and empowering. It is hard to feel like a victim when you are taking action.
Even when you are tempted by denial, your body and subconscious mind are never fooled. Problems with appetite, sleep, relationships or stress may be clues you are avoiding the truth about something in your life. Denial never made real problems or unwanted changes disappear, but delayed action can have a tremendous impact on the outcome of that change. Health issues are one example.
Acceptance is empowering; denial gives your power away to whomever or whatever you are holding on to. For me, that is a great motivator for learning to let go! If someone or something has hurt you, why knowingly maintain an attachment to a person or situation that caused you pain?
Once in a place of acceptance, you can begin to forgive, but that is for another day! Acceptance moves your forward, denial holds you back. Do you choose to be a victim of your past, or a creator of your future? The change you fear may ultimately reveal a "silver lining"!
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